Diane Kruger, circa 1988

I've never been a huge fan of Diane Kruger's style as I think she plays it pretty safe so while I applaud the intrepid foray into colour, I hate the fact that this dress seems to have been dipped ever so lightly in an acid wash treatment as the eye progresses down. You may be trying to look all placid and sweet Diane, but I see the anguish through those eyes. And I don't blame you.

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Oh hello, Chace Crawford.

That will be all.

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Oh, Feather Graham

Heather. Graham. Pull your straps up. No, hold on.

Heather Graham. Wear a bra.

Also: please lop about 15 inches off your underskirt (underdress?- you have confused me). You know what I mean though. Cut that thing off.

And stand up straight.

Was that so hard?

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Hello, Jane Lynch

You are also very funny and I love you in pretty much everything you're in although if pressed I would say you were the very best in The 40 Year Old Virgin although I loved you in Role Models too and yes let's get baked together and re-watch Gandhi and please teach me how to do deadpan humour like you do and olive is totally your colour and I love you.

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Hello, Jane Krakowski

You are so funny on 30 Rock (funnier than Tracy Morgan) and you provide me with several hours of bewilderment seeing as how you clearly don't have a tiny waspish waist but always manage to look slim somehow, and please would you divulge those magic powers to me since I would also like to look slim without having to lose an inch off my 27-inch waist and I think you always have the nicest eyeshadow and even though it was a front I think you and James Franco would have made a great couple and oh yeah, you are gorgeous.

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Um...

Why is Calista Flockhart wearing my grandmother's tablecloth? She is going to be pissed.

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Surge-a-licious

Oh lord. Fergie's dress (by Elie Saab, who makes me swoon, no kidding) is gorgeous, although I wish she'd have gone up a size on the bodice. Why is squashed boob syndrome not more of a sartorial faux pas?

Regardless of what she's wearing however, every time I see a picture of Fergie all I can think of is this - why on earth would anyone in their right mind want to willingly go from this:

to this?

Plastic surgery: not a good option when you're already gorgeous, Ferg.

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Holy Cougar, Batman!

Courtney Cox is almost like the Demi Moore of her generation, given how freaking GOOD she looks at her age. I don't care how much work she's had done, she looks fresh, happy and she wears her skin well, unlike so many other celebrities who look like they've had the whole thing surgically removed, stretched on one of those wooden ringed boards women in the Austen novels used to embroider on, and plastered back on to their faces. I absolutely love her in this Victoria Beckham dress - she's glowing, and the colour suits her so well.

Also, how cool is it that brands like Victoria Bekham and Christian Siriano are now on the red carpet? And to think that just a few years ago Bekham was all fake tan, fake boobs and fake hair. Two of those things may still remain (I always feel like the reason she seems so aloof in pictures is because if she so much as brushes against someone they'll end up covered in orange spots and coral lip gloss) but at least she can turn a decent hand to design now, which is all I care about.

Oh yeah, Christian Siriano. I don't love this dress on Christina Hendricks (although I do love the pillowy, pillarbox red lips) but I'm still just pleased to see Siriano's designs on the red carpet. Hurrah!

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All About Sandra

Sandra Bullock look so gorgeous here that I now consider her completely absolved of her sins, including a certain movie starring Bradley Cooper and that hilarious Asian guy from The Hangover that got possibly the lowest rating I've ever seen on Rotten Tomatoes - and rightly so, I might add.

It's sexy and demure at the same time and I absolutely love the colour and the hint of leg. My only gripe though is that while I'm sure Tomas Maier scoured the world for this fabric and found it growing on the bark of a thousand-year old tree and it was then woven together by gossamer and fairy dust by fifty thousand silkworms, it looks a teeny bit - well, synthetic.

You know you think so too.

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Meh...

Susan and Robert Downey Jr. look sharp enough in their outfits, but they're still a little boring. I'm getting so tired of seeing men in Armani on the red carpet - I know that the red carpet is mainly the domain of the women and there isn't much choice for men, but it'd still be nice to see other labels besides the regular roster that male celebrities turn to endlessly.

Balenciaga is a gloriously edgy brand that many celebrities turn to when they want to make a statement, even on the red carpet. Admittedly, most of these celebrities are women, but Nicholas Ghesquière can turn out a pretty sharp suit and while it's a little unconvential, it'd make for a breath of fresh air on the stodgy red carpet. So would a brand like Dior Homme, come to think of it.

Balenciaga Menswear

Dior Homme

Dior Homme

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Perrey Reeves

I love her in Entourage - she's probably the only person on the show that can give it back to Ari with true panache - but honestly, these are the Golden Globes, not a cocktail party celebrating your ex-boyfriend's engagement. You look bangin' there's no doubt, but did you really have to play it down this much?

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And speaking of Marchesa...

This is so gorgeous! Kate Hudson in Marchesa brings to mind marzipan frosting on Christmas cake, which as separate entities constitute a few of my favourite things, but together? Oh my! This dress can do no wrong. The girls at Marchesa truly are the reigning queens of red carpet fashion.

Let's talk about the shoes though. What on earth is going on here? It could be the angle but they look ludicrously small and remind me of a weird Chinese-bound-shoe-modern-Venetian-chopine-Vivienne-Westwood hybrid, which is making my head spin when I'd much rather be thinking about marzipan frosting on Christmas cake. If ever I see the person who designed these shoes on the street, I'll be sure to stop them and tell them as much.

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Speaking of Jennifers...

How cute is Jennifer Westfeldt in this dress? With a bearded John Hamm, too. I never got past the pilot episode of Mad Men but Hamm ranks high within my top three reasons to watch the show - my love for vintage fashion and fascination with the cultural norms of decades gone by being the other two.

Westfeldt is gorgeous in an instantly recognisable Marchesa gown (just for one day I'd like to be Georgina Chapman - although that does mean I'd have to share a bed with Harvey Weinstein and his belly - on second thought, maybe not. I just want her clothes). I loved her in Kissing Jessica Stein, which I just watched for the first time a couple of days ago. If ever I was to be a lesbian, lipstick lesbianism would be the way I'd go, I'm sure. I'm also certain that my relationship would take the exact same route hers did in the movie and I saw a lot of myself in her character, so I feel like I know her now, you know?

Also, how cute is it that she's been with Hamm since 1997?

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Who la la

I have no idea just who Jennifer Morrison is, but I am currently coveting:

* her waistline

* those banging biceps

* that vixenish red carpet ready smirk

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